Tag Archives: marriage

Marriage + Church + Autism = Forever?

I (Danáe) am not an expert on autism. I’m a person, probably like you, who is affected by relationships with folks who are on the autism spectrum. I’m an Episcopal priest and my husband (who is on the spectrum and has what was formerly known as Asperger’s) is a professional musician who is the part-time music director at a local church (not mine). We are not unlike a clergy couple because we both have to find calls (jobs) in churches and sometimes that is difficult.

In the beginning of our marriage, my husband was willing to move wherever I got a call because he felt like he would be able to work anywhere. You see, he typically works part-time at a church (he is an excellent music minister–truly compassionate and collaborative) and fills the rest of his time touring with different groups, renting and repairing historical keyboards, and composing. His thought was, “As long as I have an airport, I’m fine.” Well…not quite, as we discovered.

Our first move was to a rural area an hour south of Rochester where I served seven village churches with another colleague (traveling hundreds of square miles) and my husband tried to get different musical projects going and they just didn’t work–not because of his lack of effort or expertise (he pretty much rocks in the self-motivation department and, being on the spectrum, is of course an expert at what he does), but because of the area we were located. When you take someone who has laser-beam focus and ambition and have every door close in their face, you end up with a depressed person whose same focus turns inward. Perseverating, catastrophizing, (“I’m not doing enough! [yes, he was] I’m not working hard enough! [yes, he was] It’s my fault that nothing is working! [no, it wasn’t]”) and meltdowns ensued.  Bad, bad news.

We moved, after only being in that area for eight months, to the Twin Cities where I had taken a new call. This time, we thought, it will be good. Airport? Check. Metropolis area? Check. Known for music? Check. It was good in many ways. Unfortunately, my husband got stuck in a job at a church that squelched all his gifts and we needed the money so badly that he felt he needed to stay (did I mention that being a minister of any kind is not lucrative?). So again, a person with laser-beam focus and ambition is being denied opportunity for self-expression. Same result as last time, although not quite as bad because we had made some wonderful friends that helped alleviate the disillusionment and dismay that was suffered.

Are you noticing any patterns yet? We sure did.

What I did next was to tell my husband that we would move for his job, not for mine. I am not on the spectrum and my personality and skills are a lot more flexible, so I figured that I would find something wherever we moved. So that’s what we did and it seems to be working out better this time. This has not been without stress (I’m working part-time at a church, so money is even tighter), but those stressors are minor compared to dealing with a person on the spectrum not being able to express themselves authentically.

So, we are both wedded to the Church for now, but what is most important is that we are wedded to each other forever. As the non-spectrum spouse, I have found that it’s up to me to be more flexible person because I know that in some ways my beloved just can’t. I’m fine with that, but I know some spouses have a really difficult time with this aspect of being married to someone on the spectrum. Some have asked, “Where have you found God in this?” Everywhere–through relationships with therapists, friends, support groups, and family to every day moments with my husband and our dog. We could not have worked through this without the grace that God has given us in each other and I know God more deeply because of our marriage. For these gifts, I am ever grateful.021